More on... love, actually.

It seems all I write about these days is love.
Strangely enough, I realised I was in love and accepted that, when Kristian passed away. I accepted that S. comforted me and it was the only comfort that helped, that made me realise that love is indeed all we need, all we should look for, all that is needed to be fine.
I know you, Kristian, loved and you yearned for love. There were so many who loved you and even I could feel it. My heart bled over your illness, bleeds over your death. I can't believe you are not around anymore. I wish it was just a bad dream to wake up from.
But my sweet darling, I realised so many things, I learned so much from you and I will be forever thankful.

Of course, it's not easy.
Since 18th September it's a pretty tough job to deal with the butterflies in my stomach, in my head, that confuse me, make me happy and sad at the same time.
I hate it when he leaves my place.
I hate to see him at work daily, but not to be able to see him at the same time.
I hate not to know when we'll have time to ourselves.
I hate not to have any time to myself anymore, as if I don't work, we hang out together and as much as I enjoy that and as hard it is for me to let him go to his, I need to just be calm, to relax basically.

But at the same time, I love most of those things I hate.
I wish he wasn't as scared as this scares me. I know he was in a long, strong relationship. He even wanted to get married this summer. He broke up and here we are, we fell for each other and can't take our hands off of each other, which keeps us from talking, how silly! How useless! How helpless I feel, I thought I was more grown up than that.

I do enjoy the teenage-excitement. I love it. But the "I will make something wrong"-attitude and the angst - not cool.
We need more confidence, we need to know what we want (and I think I do, I want him, I want a strong relationship and yes, I understand how he feels and why he's scared, I do, I do, I do, I do - yet, I wish it was different?)

Oh Krille, I know what you'd tell me.
Throw yourself into it. What can happen? If it breaks your heart, mourn for it, cry your eyes out and then start over. But for the moment, grab what you can, love the best you can, enjoy it as much as you can and for fuck's sake, be yourself and love, love, love.

I can't see why I shouldn't. So, please, wish me strength to push against the fear and do just that.