More on... love, actually.

It seems all I write about these days is love.
Strangely enough, I realised I was in love and accepted that, when Kristian passed away. I accepted that S. comforted me and it was the only comfort that helped, that made me realise that love is indeed all we need, all we should look for, all that is needed to be fine.
I know you, Kristian, loved and you yearned for love. There were so many who loved you and even I could feel it. My heart bled over your illness, bleeds over your death. I can't believe you are not around anymore. I wish it was just a bad dream to wake up from.
But my sweet darling, I realised so many things, I learned so much from you and I will be forever thankful.

Of course, it's not easy.
Since 18th September it's a pretty tough job to deal with the butterflies in my stomach, in my head, that confuse me, make me happy and sad at the same time.
I hate it when he leaves my place.
I hate to see him at work daily, but not to be able to see him at the same time.
I hate not to know when we'll have time to ourselves.
I hate not to have any time to myself anymore, as if I don't work, we hang out together and as much as I enjoy that and as hard it is for me to let him go to his, I need to just be calm, to relax basically.

But at the same time, I love most of those things I hate.
I wish he wasn't as scared as this scares me. I know he was in a long, strong relationship. He even wanted to get married this summer. He broke up and here we are, we fell for each other and can't take our hands off of each other, which keeps us from talking, how silly! How useless! How helpless I feel, I thought I was more grown up than that.

I do enjoy the teenage-excitement. I love it. But the "I will make something wrong"-attitude and the angst - not cool.
We need more confidence, we need to know what we want (and I think I do, I want him, I want a strong relationship and yes, I understand how he feels and why he's scared, I do, I do, I do, I do - yet, I wish it was different?)

Oh Krille, I know what you'd tell me.
Throw yourself into it. What can happen? If it breaks your heart, mourn for it, cry your eyes out and then start over. But for the moment, grab what you can, love the best you can, enjoy it as much as you can and for fuck's sake, be yourself and love, love, love.

I can't see why I shouldn't. So, please, wish me strength to push against the fear and do just that.

Loud like love

So yes, I definitely am in love.
We wanted to take things easy. We managed for a week, then our bodies gave in.
In a few days it's a month and it feels right.
Being happy feels right.

Yes.

Love love me do

I think I'm in love.
It was a bit of time coming, five weeks to be precise, but... I didn't know there are reciprocal feelings. It blew me away.
I got a text if I wanted to meet for a drink and when I texted back, that yes, I wanted, I immediately knew, this might be going somewhere. It did. He did the first step, he told me. HE TOLD ME.

I was thinking of you, K, all the time. Knowing that you would love this. That you would encourage me to feel the way I did. Even more. I couldn't, I'm so scared.
And in love. I think.

Oh Kristian. Kristian. Kristian.

The day I feared the most has come.
I cried the entire night.
The world has become such a dark place.
So slow.
I feel as if someone has beaten me up for hours.
I slept in fetal position, hugging myself, holding a little stuffed toy. A fox, of course.
I was crying in my sleep.
I slept five hours, if not less.
I am crying now.
I broke down several times, until it was confirmed, until I was forced to believe.
Confirmation - I wish I never received it.

So many I's - and nothing is about me, it is all about you, Krille. All.
I might be the vessel of my pain, but I cry for you, for your life too short, for your children who will never be. I cry because of your family and friends, people I love as you do.

I hope you can float through space and it will be as orgasmic as you imagined it.
I truely do.
Nevertheless, I hate said space.
I will never in my life get around to understand or even accept why this has happened. Ever. Ever.

My sweet darling, I hope there is peace and love where you are.
I will always love you.
Always.

My mum dreamt of Kalle and me, clinging to each other sobbing. I know this will happen sooner than we ever could want and I'm scared already when that day comes...

Sweden vs. Australia

Why on earth did I not go to watch Kalle January 2010? Oh yes, I know, it was snowy, it was cold and above all I was pre-occupied. What a stupid bitch I am.
Instead of seeing someone who still matters to me, I went after a new fancy a day later.
I even saw Kalle and Krille a day later, being out partying at the same place where I was with others. Did I go up? Again, no.
If there is anything I regret in life, if I could turn back time, then I would jump to 29th and 30th of January 2010, spare me a lot of heartbreak and actually have a good time.
To hang with the boys I still love, the boys who are like my brothers, the boys who are so very important to my own development, the boys I spent days and hours with discussing music and literature instead of hanging with the grown up bad boys. For fuck's sake, Lisa. You had won yourself two more years of tears and heartbreak instead of a few hours of true happiness. You are such an idiot.