More on... love, actually.

It seems all I write about these days is love.
Strangely enough, I realised I was in love and accepted that, when Kristian passed away. I accepted that S. comforted me and it was the only comfort that helped, that made me realise that love is indeed all we need, all we should look for, all that is needed to be fine.
I know you, Kristian, loved and you yearned for love. There were so many who loved you and even I could feel it. My heart bled over your illness, bleeds over your death. I can't believe you are not around anymore. I wish it was just a bad dream to wake up from.
But my sweet darling, I realised so many things, I learned so much from you and I will be forever thankful.

Of course, it's not easy.
Since 18th September it's a pretty tough job to deal with the butterflies in my stomach, in my head, that confuse me, make me happy and sad at the same time.
I hate it when he leaves my place.
I hate to see him at work daily, but not to be able to see him at the same time.
I hate not to know when we'll have time to ourselves.
I hate not to have any time to myself anymore, as if I don't work, we hang out together and as much as I enjoy that and as hard it is for me to let him go to his, I need to just be calm, to relax basically.

But at the same time, I love most of those things I hate.
I wish he wasn't as scared as this scares me. I know he was in a long, strong relationship. He even wanted to get married this summer. He broke up and here we are, we fell for each other and can't take our hands off of each other, which keeps us from talking, how silly! How useless! How helpless I feel, I thought I was more grown up than that.

I do enjoy the teenage-excitement. I love it. But the "I will make something wrong"-attitude and the angst - not cool.
We need more confidence, we need to know what we want (and I think I do, I want him, I want a strong relationship and yes, I understand how he feels and why he's scared, I do, I do, I do, I do - yet, I wish it was different?)

Oh Krille, I know what you'd tell me.
Throw yourself into it. What can happen? If it breaks your heart, mourn for it, cry your eyes out and then start over. But for the moment, grab what you can, love the best you can, enjoy it as much as you can and for fuck's sake, be yourself and love, love, love.

I can't see why I shouldn't. So, please, wish me strength to push against the fear and do just that.

Loud like love

So yes, I definitely am in love.
We wanted to take things easy. We managed for a week, then our bodies gave in.
In a few days it's a month and it feels right.
Being happy feels right.

Yes.

Love love me do

I think I'm in love.
It was a bit of time coming, five weeks to be precise, but... I didn't know there are reciprocal feelings. It blew me away.
I got a text if I wanted to meet for a drink and when I texted back, that yes, I wanted, I immediately knew, this might be going somewhere. It did. He did the first step, he told me. HE TOLD ME.

I was thinking of you, K, all the time. Knowing that you would love this. That you would encourage me to feel the way I did. Even more. I couldn't, I'm so scared.
And in love. I think.

Oh Kristian. Kristian. Kristian.

The day I feared the most has come.
I cried the entire night.
The world has become such a dark place.
So slow.
I feel as if someone has beaten me up for hours.
I slept in fetal position, hugging myself, holding a little stuffed toy. A fox, of course.
I was crying in my sleep.
I slept five hours, if not less.
I am crying now.
I broke down several times, until it was confirmed, until I was forced to believe.
Confirmation - I wish I never received it.

So many I's - and nothing is about me, it is all about you, Krille. All.
I might be the vessel of my pain, but I cry for you, for your life too short, for your children who will never be. I cry because of your family and friends, people I love as you do.

I hope you can float through space and it will be as orgasmic as you imagined it.
I truely do.
Nevertheless, I hate said space.
I will never in my life get around to understand or even accept why this has happened. Ever. Ever.

My sweet darling, I hope there is peace and love where you are.
I will always love you.
Always.

My mum dreamt of Kalle and me, clinging to each other sobbing. I know this will happen sooner than we ever could want and I'm scared already when that day comes...

Sweden vs. Australia

Why on earth did I not go to watch Kalle January 2010? Oh yes, I know, it was snowy, it was cold and above all I was pre-occupied. What a stupid bitch I am.
Instead of seeing someone who still matters to me, I went after a new fancy a day later.
I even saw Kalle and Krille a day later, being out partying at the same place where I was with others. Did I go up? Again, no.
If there is anything I regret in life, if I could turn back time, then I would jump to 29th and 30th of January 2010, spare me a lot of heartbreak and actually have a good time.
To hang with the boys I still love, the boys who are like my brothers, the boys who are so very important to my own development, the boys I spent days and hours with discussing music and literature instead of hanging with the grown up bad boys. For fuck's sake, Lisa. You had won yourself two more years of tears and heartbreak instead of a few hours of true happiness. You are such an idiot.

E. E. Cummings

love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall

more seldom than a wave is wet

more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly

and less it shall unbe

than all the sea which only

is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win

less never than alive

less bigger than the least begin

less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly

and more it cannot die

than all the sky which only

is higher than the sky

 

 

Jag älskar dig så, min kära kära K.

Jag älskar dig nu och för evigt. 

Time passes by, where are we?

I read a few entries over on my old livejournal.
Crossroads of my past.
Touching, exciting, mostly helping understanding my former self.

Now I'm in the middle of nothing. I wait to work, everyone started and I wait and wait and wait until next Wednesday. I feel left out. I feel unimportant. Unnecessary.

My head full of plans how to start the new season, the specific new play.
Recipes of apple pies as welcome in my head, telephone lists on the to do list and the ever growing impatient feeling of finally getting my hands on the textbook to dive deep into Kafka's thoughts and transfer them onto stage, onto our time.
Why isn't it Wednesday already?

Meanwhile I am occupied with visits to authorities such as health insurance, employment agency - all of which make no sense and are a waste of time.

Time I could use to read (Erich Fromm! Art of Loving!), to prepare a rehearsing schedule, to write (here, my beauty blog, my two paper diaries), to daydream, to sleep, to breathe the North Sea air...

In other news, all this idiocy of bureaucracy has kept me very much from pondering my nonexistent love life or people I could potentially love again (or never stopped loving for that matter).
It made me realise that I am not in love.
I haven't been in a long time. B4 hurt me too much. He probably broke something in me.
More than B1 did.
I am better off on my own.
I do love. A lot.
But I haven't seen butterflies in too long and I wonder if they ever come back, if spring ever comes back.
Now, it's just all about lust.
I see a certain person. A dancer. A director. An actor. People I work with on a daily basis and all I can think of is how hot they are. Or aren't. But there is nothing more.

As for the first real love, the probably only one for my heart - all this holding hands, leg on leg, hugging and tears - wasn't this the alcohol AND the lust, the unknown, the mixture of old feelings and everlasting curiosity of sexual desire?
I am scared that if/when/if/when/if/if/if he comes to visit me we end up in bed and my heart will be broken after we took the step we have never taken. Most definitely it will rip open old wounds afresh, where's the use in that?
He does not know what he wants and actually, do I?
Do I want this, again?
Does he want this at all?
Curiosity belongs to teenagers, we're grown up now and it will not lead anywhere but to pain.
That is not the way it should be.

This time, reason has to win over heart.

With more time on my hands spending for nothing important at all, I have no time to think and rethink these things over and over and over again.

I suppose that is good.

Nudity is a relief

It is in your worst, most embarrassing, most exposing moments, when you truely realise how much others love you. It will catch you of guard and no matter how very bad you feel, the warmth is overwhelming by all means.

To me, it was a lesson I longed for exactly ten years ago and yes, I do regret how we did not work, when we now realise that we could have if we only had been a little braver. If we hadn't been kids.
It might haunt me forever.
I will be one of those women young girls read about in cheesy novels and cry their eyes out over the romantic tragedy. For it truely is a tragedy.

I do love to suffer a little, romantically. I can not say I'm not enjoying it to a certain extend, or am touched.

The most romantic moments happened when I was 18.
I did live in a tragic, romantic novel and suffered. And could not appreciate it. Who can, I wonder? In the moment it happens?

It is such a relief to see reciprocal feelings after years and years of pondering.
It is a relief.

Love... and all the difficulties it comes with...

It's not even midnight yet, and I'm sobbing my eyes out.
I'm so very pissed - it's embarrassing for everyone who's witnessed.
It's TEN years ago and I love him, smell his scent and am remembered of when I, we were eighteen.
I'm just as vulnerable.

Today, I met my first love. Probably my only love, my true love.

Why haven't we been able to tell each other how we felt ten years ago? Why does this have to end in a (Russian) tragedy?

Why am I the one telling him he needs time for himself when I could be the cure, without any conflicts or obligations?

Why does life/ love need to be so very difficult, when the solution is so extremely easy?

I dream of home

Bat For Lashes - Daniel (HD)

Connecting trees

Ever since I read about his totem, a fox, I wondered what was mine.
If we were as close in the symbolic world as I thought we were in spirit, souls connected, intertwined.

I was always sure I belonged in the forest as well. Maybe a wild cat. A lynx comes very close. A test said I were a fox myself. I don't think so.
According to the Native American's Birth Totem I am a wolf.

All of a sudden it makes sense. All of a sudden, I belong in the forest, as I thought I do. I am as loyal in life as I will be beyond, as I am with him, now and forever. Like a wolf.
Like a wolf I am strong and would kill for him, for him to be healthy and protected. I would lick his wounds and warm him.

It all falls together. My dreams of thick Swedish forests, the wet, dark, mossy forest soil I can smell writing this. Us roaming about the woods, enjoying freedom.

As this will never be in real life, it will after. I know he will be watching, will be close, sly and cunning, showing me the way through the darkness.

---

Next year I will be going to Sweden.
Other people are going to India to find themselves and I might do that somewhere in the future. It's on the list.
But in a year, there won't be anything more important than to visit the meadows and forests where he grew up, to feel him close again. To pay my respects.
To clearly show my enduring love, that will never cease.

Jag älskar dig, K. För alltid.
Jag kommer att lära mig svenska igen.
Du är min inspiration. En räv, jag älskar.